M&M

I want to remember this movie as one of the best modern movies I’ve seen in a long time. Also a thought: Maybe I’m a mystery only from afar.

You know what, Malcolm? I feel like once you know someone’s there for you, and once you know they love you, you never actually think of them again. It’s not until you’re about to lose someone, that you finally pay attention.

„The Uknown. It’s what supports the tension of a relationship and forces us to be the best version of ourselves. The what-if factor. What if there’s someone who loved him better? Who was smarter, nicer. Woke him up everyday with breakfast and a blowjob. What if I’m not the best girlfriend he’s ever had? What if he dreams of someone else? Better conversations, a girl with hips and an actual ass, instead of this string bean body?

MALCOLM & MARIE (L-R): JOHN DAVID WASHINGTON as MALCOLM, ZENDAYA as MARIE. DOMINIC MILLER/NETFLIX © 2021
Publicat în Uncategorized | Lasă un comentariu

Forget

Make me forget and never remember again. Please.

tumblr_oju3yuylwp1si0kwmo1_500

Publicat în Pictures | Lasă un comentariu

What was left unsaid

Should not have to remain unwritten. As I am almost sure there will be no other chance for me to tell you all this, I have to get it out of my system. So here’s the obituary for it, for my care and falling for you thing. And I say „almost sure” because of this rodent that sometimes erodes the last drop of happiness in a person: hope. Fucking hope. Deep down I hope that maybe someday you’ll see me in a different light, that maybe you’ll trust yourself to make a step towards me again, that maybe maybe maybe the right timing will come (you yourself said we are not right for each other and it’s bad timing, oh. as if there’s ever A RIGHT FUCKING TIMING).

So, as much as hope gives people comfort for a better day, this time, hope for me is draining the happiness out of me. I can’t go on hoping for you, my dear. You’re very dear to me still, but enough. It’s sick. And I don’t do well with unhealthy connections, like the one we had. Right now, in my vulnerability, I would blindly go back – but I’m not sure there’s a way back, or forward. If we were to start again, how clean would the slate be? How could I trust you? I believe in second chances, but … And see, hope is doing the talking for me. Fuck you hope. There’s no going back or forward. It’s over. 

Sometimes I think you don’t even care – which might just be right – and that it’s all in my head, that it meant literally nothing to you. That I didn’t mean anything to you. But you are indeed a good manipulator, as you said. I should’ve believed your candidacy when you told me that. A liar, you’re a liar, a liar, a liar. And I wanted this lie, I surrounded myself with it, built the castle upon an illusion – no wonder the castle so easily vanished, as it didn’t even exist for real. Only in my mind. All the sweet memories come back to me all the time, for every song, every movie scene, every quote, every gesture, they all flow to me like sharp needles hurting bit by bit. And I cringe and clench my teeth every time as if it’s bad medicine, even some of it it’s good, but altogether it’s bad, it’s poison.

You’ve poisoned me with you. And I really need, for my health, and my happiness, to get rid of you. Even though I will still see you everyday. This is a fight I intend to win! (can’t help but wonder if you ever read this, would you be terrified of yourself? Or you already know this?)

I have so much to give, but I can’t force it upon people who don’t want to receive my gifts. And I am sure you can give a lot as well, and it does not come from a place of emptiness. The wholeness is there, only maybe it is hidden, or you’re blind to it, and can’t see it because you focus on other things. The heart of the mountain is there. You can’t start to fill it in with things from the outside, because it is there, in the lonely mountain.
See if you can align your purpose with what you are looking for in intimacy. I wish I could tell you all these things, like I’ve already gotten things figured out for you, only I can’t, and I also don’t think it’s fair for me to wait until you come to realize this all by yourself. Waiting is a dangerous game.

Above all, what really got on my nerves was how you think you know me! (although, let’s admit, I also -pretend- to know you now, but maybe I do… maybe I can see through your darkness. or maybe not) You don’t get to tell me you are the wrong guy for me as long as you scored every check point on my man list, and as long as I fall under your spell. Saddest thing is that it is also my making that I give you this power. You abused this power… unknowingly, perhaps, but you did.
I wish I made you feel the way I feel when I see you, when my eyes meet yours, or when you touch me. I wish you saw yourself the way I see you, for simply being you, for your presence.
Are you intimidated by me? Because I certainly would not want someone who is scared. I am so truly easily corruptible you could do anything, there’s no place for fear….where does this fear come from?
Your core value is not even sexuality, it is intimacy. So where does this stem from? You literally made me a woman.
You are so ingrained in the idea of becoming perfect that you force it upon the others as well. Have you considered that?

Any man can admire a woman who is already hot or beautiful.
I feel so fucking nervous when I am around you, because your presence is intimidating me. I imagine that any second you can grab me right there and kiss me and I will not even fight it.
I came to you shy and vulnerable and if that is not feminine I don’t know yet what it means.
Maybe I am living this illusion in my mind that somehow you were indeed attracted to me. That the way you looked at me told me a secret only we know. I believed I read the desire in your eyes. But I was deceived. And if that is so, if that is actually true, then I have no other choice but to shut you down and let you go.

You are doing to me exactly what she did to you. Do you realize it? You do not take me as I am, instead you try to change me, as she also did to you, trying to hurt you, making you feel you were not enough. Whereas I just want the way you are. I know you are a man looking for his purpose, I can see it, you told me yourself, why should I need to test you? But she did that to you. And somehow, you are doing it to me.
Maybe you are still clinged into the break-up. Into not trusting that someone wants you fully and only for themselves, without having to share with anyone else. And what you resented at her, you unconsciously replicate. She faced you with the truth about yourself, but what are you facing me to? Because lack of feminine energy I don’t think is the truth about myself. I know now that I own who I am – maybe I needed this shatter from your side to actually realize it.
Your therapist doesn’t even know me, and he is judging my femininity. Yes I am boyish sometimes, and have the „attitude”. But that all stops when I am next to you because finally I feel I can let go of this „burden” on my shoulders, as I trust you with the way, and I feel free and calm and safe. That is how I am. That is the truth. Maybe it does not come from a place of abundance yet, but it definitely comes from a place of joy and love. Unconditionally.

How wonderful it is to find someone who just enjoys you the way you are? I think wanting or not wanting to change the person next to you says a lot about how at peace one person is with their self. Who makes another person doubt themselves? Or rather, what kind of person? I don’t want your demons to intentionally affect me. That’s not how you treat people – diminishing their value. Stepping on my ego made you feel better?

You made me doubt myself. YOU MADE ME DOUBT MYSELF, which is something I rarely do. Saddest thing again, I allowed you to do that. People who make you feel like you’re not enough are just not worth it… Healthy people inspire courage, and support, and kindness, they don’t hurt other people just because they cannot deal with their emotional load. And I get that. I understand, and I took it upon myself – but I can’t save you, and you don’t want me to be there for you.

That’s the harsh, very ice cold truth I must accept: YOU DON’T WANT ME. And it’s like I’m in the shadow, watching what you do, trying to help, but my hands are invisible, I can’t grasp it – if I could just be a ghost whispering in your ear, I’d tell you not to go back to her, and not to fall back in your sick loop of trying to fill in your masculine with empty and random fucks. That’s not how you escape, dear, unfortunately… But you can’t hear this. I didn’t tell you all this. And now it’s too late.

So here I am, ranting about it. And not for one second should you think I regret anything, or that I pin it up on you – probably it was indeed bad timing, probably it’s my fault, probably you also don’t understand now some things that I already do (commitment, struggle, loving flaws, lacking drama). Not trying to find faults in here, that wouldn’t solve anything. I just want you to be happy. And I want me to be happy again, and get out of this vicious vortex I’ve been swimming in my whole life. All this while I’m grateful for you, because I was GENUINE. I truly enjoyed you, and even if it breaks me, still, I’m fond of the moments we shared together, of how you slept breathing on the back of my neck and kissing it, of how you always caressed my hair when kissing me, of how … I shouldn’t continue.

Goodbye, and I wish it is for real this time. God, give me the strength to place this experience in a beautiful box called „Lesson no. 1939933842” and look at it with compassion, without feeling hurt again. 

Attached, all the quotes and things others knew to illustrate better than me.

https://markmanson.net/6-toxic-habits

This Is Why You Shouldn’t Wait For Someone To Make Up Their Mind

15965951_1819215781651444_2235444564796832133_n

16105688_1053462574765601_3422706230868201918_n

16143102_1488144854552289_8709076248571687175_n

16143179_10154425080516693_3025622615786943755_n

16174706_981106892025147_8125778488863439956_n

16143478_730517037117166_2382001760152382944_o

16178743_949755295179300_728966301295444862_o

16195341_1069314776528390_4463592514185119088_n

16265791_1466056216747141_5741870059519985058_n

8%c2%bd-1963

15622717_1216523035121798_4553110902339868959_n

15727335_10155715995768508_409444996970453514_n

15747355_965413433594493_2629518296127577569_n

15747622_10155715977108508_2568182455420332729_n

15781400_1050315828428285_6142682838112441381_n

15825902_971328806336289_3141589784220595149_n

15894366_969743633161473_87681728126540114_n

15896304_1231208406986594_8007908783499023462_o

16002930_977647979037705_4713268415560352497_n

that-thing-you-do

that-thing-you-do-2

16387164_1509177939124898_137328611328777606_n

the-greatest-gift-you-can-give-someone

Publicat în My own, Pictures | Lasă un comentariu

Detachment

When I enter the room, I enter a time capsule, where I’m with you. There’s no yesterday, no tomorrow, just us and the flow. Pure, raw joy, endless calm, an eternal flame trapped in a timeless space. That’s how you realize time is just… a made-up tool. Because in THE ONE, there is no such thing. You don’t think about it, you just ARE.

I love this nothingness that seems so peaceful. It slowly fades away, and I have to get dressed and leave, but, like a loop, I will always come back to the timeless capsule. Until it will be time to detach the capsule from the spaceship. And I’ll be looking for another star, and you’ll be looking for another moon.

tumblr_ohm58qizmf1shn04do1_500

Publicat în My own, Pictures | Lasă un comentariu

None of them are you

What is this world without love? I don’t know. 

What is my world without you? It could be great, but it’s not. Because none of them are you. I can’t forgive myself for giving myself to you like this, completely me, without fears, into your tender, kind loving. I don’t want you to be irreplaceable. But you are.

Your way is the way I chose for the rest of my days, which I hope to be many. The way you trust me, the way you talk to me, the way you respect me. I thought I underdeserved all these things, for many years. And it was a tough road to reach to love myself. Now, I love you too, and you’ve sort of become a part of me, an essential part of my life.

I love my hobbies, my activities, my job, my friends, but … they’re not you. Your song spoke to my proud heart. It’s the only song worth listening to, out of everyone else’s.

If I say „I’ve waited for so long for someone like you”, I’m afraid you’ll take it as a burden to your shoulders. Don’t. You brighten my days and make me happier than my normal happy self.

And I just hope … that none of them are me, too. 

13516457_1028512260532033_7011402941726885148_n

Publicat în My own, Uncategorized | Lasă un comentariu

My smile

Heaven knows, babe

cover sartre

Publicat în Uncategorized | Lasă un comentariu

Descoperirea

Mă mai gândeam câteodată cum trebuie să se fi simțit marii cercetători, oameni de știință, artiști, exploratori ai lumii când descopereau ceva. Cred că pe moment, nu aveau idee despre măreția noului descoperit. Nu realizau ce comoară aveau în mâini.

În ziua de azi, cât de dificil e să mai ai o asemenea experiență? Sentimentul lui Paulescu că a descoperit insulina sau a lui Traian Vuia că a cam pus bazele zborului? Fără să te bați cu pumnii în piept, să știi că: EU am făcut asta. Dar momentul acela dintre descoperirea efectivă și realizarea propriu-zisă e de neprețuit. Pur. 

Mă întristasem că e posibil ca niciodată să nu simt ce au simțit ei. Până nu te-am descoperit pe tine. Nu te-am inventat. Te-am descoperit. Iar acum știu ce-au simțit toți atunci când și-au descoperit moștenirile lăsate umanității: sentimentul de complet.

tumblr_o0gjbpNPtf1rmc97go1_500

Publicat în My own | Lasă un comentariu

Your hands, not your words

Faulkner said words don’t mean anything. So if he’s right, then just use your hands. Your hands are real. I cannot touch your heart, or your mind, but I can sense your hands. The body never lies.

In the mystery of time, words will dissipate, but your holding of me will remain engraved on my body…even after you’re gone. The touch of your hands on the silk of my skin. The power they convey. Tenderness a word could never explain. A love so strong  that it doesn’t scream. On mute, your hands, my hands, explore our body’s gardens, unite, feel each other, love each other. My hands love your hands.

And words… words would be nice too, maybe. 🙂

Lauri_Blank_Promise_30x36

The next time you try to seduce anyone, don’t do it with talk, with words. Women know more about words than men ever will. And they know how little they can ever possibly mean.

— William Faulkner

Publicat în My own | Lasă un comentariu

Deliruri

Delirez. Sunt bolnavă, am un gol în coaste de parcă suflă crivățul, și fără tine, sunt ca un melc cu casa ciobită, mă simt ca un ghimpe, un ochi mușcat de somn, chinuit, mi-am ros unghiile până la carne doar doar ești pe-acolo, nici nu mă doare, mi-am întins părul covor să te aștepte, și îmi petrec picioarele ca niște grinzi grele peste sobă. Aș bea sirop, dar prefer să mă uit pe tavan, salivând prostește la un vis de vară, dar e iarnă și eu sunt bolnavă, mi se face amar în gură, și rău că realizez pentru a o mia treisprezecea oară că ai plecat, și nici măcar nu plâng, numai proștii plâng, eu doar sper că ușa masivă de stejar a casei nu e închisă și că n-o să râncezesc a neputință și jale până vii. Nu știu ce vorbesc, desenez cuvinte cu limba în cerul gurii, dar numai unul e important: dor. Atârnă acolo și nu știu ce să fac cu el, l-aș înghiți, dar apoi mi-ar străpunge gâtul de o parte și de-alta, sau dacă îl răsuflu, n-o să mai am cu ce mă juca, da, sunt ca un copil neastâmpărat și prostuț care vrea înghețată ACUM, ÎN PLINĂ IARNĂ!

tumblr_ngqbr09jc81u5mf91o1_500.gif

Publicat în My own | Etichetat , , | Lasă un comentariu

The bouquet

I love it when you quote from the things I write here. It is like I am putting my wishes on display, utterly vulnerable and innocent, and you take them one by one and gift them to me.

You take my desires for you as a bouquet and then wake me up with them. Are you not simply adorably crazy? 🙂 And by doing this you recognize my love for you. And you show that it matters the most. So much that you remember.

I am terribly in love with people who remember. However, only you remember everything. (that counts) And that is enough for me to choose you. Everyday, as you choose me.

As you chose to read these lines and smile with your ravishing eyes and tempting lips. I know, I know. You want to kiss me now. So come, but this time do not quote me anything, just tell me anything you want. 🙂

tumblr_nwcnpa8kQd1u99m3vo1_500

Publicat în My own | Etichetat , , , | Lasă un comentariu