Should not have to remain unwritten. As I am almost sure there will be no other chance for me to tell you all this, I have to get it out of my system. So here’s the obituary for it, for my care and falling for you thing. And I say „almost sure” because of this rodent that sometimes erodes the last drop of happiness in a person: hope. Fucking hope. Deep down I hope that maybe someday you’ll see me in a different light, that maybe you’ll trust yourself to make a step towards me again, that maybe maybe maybe the right timing will come (you yourself said we are not right for each other and it’s bad timing, oh. as if there’s ever A RIGHT FUCKING TIMING).
So, as much as hope gives people comfort for a better day, this time, hope for me is draining the happiness out of me. I can’t go on hoping for you, my dear. You’re very dear to me still, but enough. It’s sick. And I don’t do well with unhealthy connections, like the one we had. Right now, in my vulnerability, I would blindly go back – but I’m not sure there’s a way back, or forward. If we were to start again, how clean would the slate be? How could I trust you? I believe in second chances, but … And see, hope is doing the talking for me. Fuck you hope. There’s no going back or forward. It’s over.
Sometimes I think you don’t even care – which might just be right – and that it’s all in my head, that it meant literally nothing to you. That I didn’t mean anything to you. But you are indeed a good manipulator, as you said. I should’ve believed your candidacy when you told me that. A liar, you’re a liar, a liar, a liar. And I wanted this lie, I surrounded myself with it, built the castle upon an illusion – no wonder the castle so easily vanished, as it didn’t even exist for real. Only in my mind. All the sweet memories come back to me all the time, for every song, every movie scene, every quote, every gesture, they all flow to me like sharp needles hurting bit by bit. And I cringe and clench my teeth every time as if it’s bad medicine, even some of it it’s good, but altogether it’s bad, it’s poison.
You’ve poisoned me with you. And I really need, for my health, and my happiness, to get rid of you. Even though I will still see you everyday. This is a fight I intend to win! (can’t help but wonder if you ever read this, would you be terrified of yourself? Or you already know this?)
I have so much to give, but I can’t force it upon people who don’t want to receive my gifts. And I am sure you can give a lot as well, and it does not come from a place of emptiness. The wholeness is there, only maybe it is hidden, or you’re blind to it, and can’t see it because you focus on other things. The heart of the mountain is there. You can’t start to fill it in with things from the outside, because it is there, in the lonely mountain.
See if you can align your purpose with what you are looking for in intimacy. I wish I could tell you all these things, like I’ve already gotten things figured out for you, only I can’t, and I also don’t think it’s fair for me to wait until you come to realize this all by yourself. Waiting is a dangerous game.
Above all, what really got on my nerves was how you think you know me! (although, let’s admit, I also -pretend- to know you now, but maybe I do… maybe I can see through your darkness. or maybe not) You don’t get to tell me you are the wrong guy for me as long as you scored every check point on my man list, and as long as I fall under your spell. Saddest thing is that it is also my making that I give you this power. You abused this power… unknowingly, perhaps, but you did.
I wish I made you feel the way I feel when I see you, when my eyes meet yours, or when you touch me. I wish you saw yourself the way I see you, for simply being you, for your presence.
Are you intimidated by me? Because I certainly would not want someone who is scared. I am so truly easily corruptible you could do anything, there’s no place for fear….where does this fear come from?
Your core value is not even sexuality, it is intimacy. So where does this stem from? You literally made me a woman.
You are so ingrained in the idea of becoming perfect that you force it upon the others as well. Have you considered that?
Any man can admire a woman who is already hot or beautiful.
I feel so fucking nervous when I am around you, because your presence is intimidating me. I imagine that any second you can grab me right there and kiss me and I will not even fight it.
I came to you shy and vulnerable and if that is not feminine I don’t know yet what it means.
Maybe I am living this illusion in my mind that somehow you were indeed attracted to me. That the way you looked at me told me a secret only we know. I believed I read the desire in your eyes. But I was deceived. And if that is so, if that is actually true, then I have no other choice but to shut you down and let you go.
You are doing to me exactly what she did to you. Do you realize it? You do not take me as I am, instead you try to change me, as she also did to you, trying to hurt you, making you feel you were not enough. Whereas I just want the way you are. I know you are a man looking for his purpose, I can see it, you told me yourself, why should I need to test you? But she did that to you. And somehow, you are doing it to me.
Maybe you are still clinged into the break-up. Into not trusting that someone wants you fully and only for themselves, without having to share with anyone else. And what you resented at her, you unconsciously replicate. She faced you with the truth about yourself, but what are you facing me to? Because lack of feminine energy I don’t think is the truth about myself. I know now that I own who I am – maybe I needed this shatter from your side to actually realize it.
Your therapist doesn’t even know me, and he is judging my femininity. Yes I am boyish sometimes, and have the „attitude”. But that all stops when I am next to you because finally I feel I can let go of this „burden” on my shoulders, as I trust you with the way, and I feel free and calm and safe. That is how I am. That is the truth. Maybe it does not come from a place of abundance yet, but it definitely comes from a place of joy and love. Unconditionally.
How wonderful it is to find someone who just enjoys you the way you are? I think wanting or not wanting to change the person next to you says a lot about how at peace one person is with their self. Who makes another person doubt themselves? Or rather, what kind of person? I don’t want your demons to intentionally affect me. That’s not how you treat people – diminishing their value. Stepping on my ego made you feel better?
You made me doubt myself. YOU MADE ME DOUBT MYSELF, which is something I rarely do. Saddest thing again, I allowed you to do that. People who make you feel like you’re not enough are just not worth it… Healthy people inspire courage, and support, and kindness, they don’t hurt other people just because they cannot deal with their emotional load. And I get that. I understand, and I took it upon myself – but I can’t save you, and you don’t want me to be there for you.
That’s the harsh, very ice cold truth I must accept: YOU DON’T WANT ME. And it’s like I’m in the shadow, watching what you do, trying to help, but my hands are invisible, I can’t grasp it – if I could just be a ghost whispering in your ear, I’d tell you not to go back to her, and not to fall back in your sick loop of trying to fill in your masculine with empty and random fucks. That’s not how you escape, dear, unfortunately… But you can’t hear this. I didn’t tell you all this. And now it’s too late.
So here I am, ranting about it. And not for one second should you think I regret anything, or that I pin it up on you – probably it was indeed bad timing, probably it’s my fault, probably you also don’t understand now some things that I already do (commitment, struggle, loving flaws, lacking drama). Not trying to find faults in here, that wouldn’t solve anything. I just want you to be happy. And I want me to be happy again, and get out of this vicious vortex I’ve been swimming in my whole life. All this while I’m grateful for you, because I was GENUINE. I truly enjoyed you, and even if it breaks me, still, I’m fond of the moments we shared together, of how you slept breathing on the back of my neck and kissing it, of how you always caressed my hair when kissing me, of how … I shouldn’t continue.
Goodbye, and I wish it is for real this time. God, give me the strength to place this experience in a beautiful box called „Lesson no. 1939933842” and look at it with compassion, without feeling hurt again.
Attached, all the quotes and things others knew to illustrate better than me.
This Is Why You Shouldn’t Wait For Someone To Make Up Their Mind